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Why I'm Here

Feb 15, 2021

I have always wanted to accomplish something really great, like something that matters and changes people - and our world.  I've held this dream for so long I can't remember when it began.

This dreams walks with me wherever I go.  It is a constant partner.  The thing is I don't know the specifics of the dream - like what is the thing I do that makes a difference?  And how do I know when I am doing it?  And what form does it take?  Is it through writing, movement, teaching, art, collaboration?

I don't know.  But this dream calls to me nonetheless.

I do know that I want to write a book, one that maps my life and winds its way through the hills and valleys of trauma, heartbreak, shame, courage, and self-love.

I know that I love to teach and want to have a platform where I lead, guide, teach, and support others.

I also know whatever I do it needs to meld art, movement, writing, and teaching together in some way.

But here’s the thing, I hold myself back and I hold myself in over and over again.  I feel this everyday.  I want to share myself….my voice, my thoughts, my ideas, my strategies, my process...but I am so damn scared to get it wrong.  

My dream calls to me as the sun spreads across the sky and as the moon reflects my light, and yet I stay and I shrink.  Everything around me is encouraging me to rise but I round my shoulders, bow my head, and get busy doing the things that are safe, the things that keep me in one place.

I’m so scared.  

I don’t believe in myself, fully.

I hear this thought singing like a chorus in my mind, “I don’t trust myself”.

I am scared to get it wrong and I am scared to get it right.

I worry that I don’t have what it takes.  And what if I get it right but then can’t repeat that success ever again?

What if I make a fool of myself?

What if I do it wrong?  This is the constant thought.

So I’m asking myself questions like “why don’t I believe in myself?” and “when did I stop believing in myself?”.  Because we are all born believing and trusting in ourselves but then things get rewired, by our upbringing, environment, society, etc.  

Where did my self-belief go and how can I get it back?

This is my project.  This is my quest.

This is what I’ll be tracking here.

In this blog, I will be recording my process, questions, answers, learnings, and aha’s as I traverse across my fears toward my dream and toward myself.  

I hope my writings make you feel less alone, give you insight into your life and process, and make you laugh (because soul-searching doesn’t require seriousness, only curiosity and wonder!).

Thank you for being here.

With a brave heart,

Amanda

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xoAmanda